Donovan Kelly

Have you seen a real geologist lately? Few residents know that Northern Virginia is a prime nesting area for many actual living geologists and closely related species like hydrologists, mineralogists, and cartographers. Although endangered, a few hundred of these rare earth scientists live amongst us and migrate daily to the U.S. Geological Survey National Center in Reston.

March 3, the 123rd birthday of the USGS, was an especially good day to spot a geologist out frolicking. The celebration was dampened this year by the death of Art Buchwald. He was a favorite humorist and friend of the USGS who had been promising to take geologists to lunch for decades.

As most geological stories do, the Buchwald lunch story started with a stone. A very small stone according to some, but one that was important to Buchwald because it was his first kidney stone. Frank Forrester, the news media guy at USGS, suggested to Buchwald that he have the stone analyzed by geological experts.

Unknown Ant inspects Art Buchwald's first kidney stone. (ant inspection arranged and photographed by geologist E.J. Dwornik)

The resulting exchange of notes between Buchwald and USGS was recently uncovered by mineralogical detective Harvey Belkin.

17 Oct 1975: Forrester advised volunteer scientific investigators Ed Dwornik and Meyer Rubin that Buchwald had accepted the offer to make a detailed analysis of his stones. Buchwald wanted to know if his stones could go on tour. Forrester assured Buchwald that his stones would be treated just like the recently arrived moon rocks.

12 Nov, 1975: The first known buchwaldstone arrived at USGS headquarters. Dwornik and Rubin immediately noted the small size compared to their own kidney stones. Buchwald suggested that no one should judge a man by the size of his stones, but agreed to share the Nobel Prize with the two scientists.

13 Nov, 1975: Dwornik joins forces with Buchwald and proposes a new theory that the amount of pain, anguish and screaming produced during the passing of a kidney stone is proportionate to the length of the path traveled by the stone, and not to the width of the path. Claims that the stones of Buchwald and Dwornik must have traveled much farther than those of others.

17 Nov, 1975: Buchwald hoped that any prejudice concerning small stones would not interfere with the science. Forrester assured him "Neither glory nor monetary gain, neither political nor personal prejudicial factors can be permitted to cast the slightest shadow on Project Buchwaldstone.”

24 Nov, 1975: Buchwald invited the two principal investigators to lunch at Sans Souci to discuss the progress and perhaps run into someone who could help with the research budget. Forrester responded that research progressed at a feverish pace, the scientists slept in cots, ate at their desks and were protected by former White House secret agents. Project Buchwaldstone had grown beyond a simple two-man effort, however, and now involved all the best and brightest the USGS had to offer - - at least with regard to kidney stone analyses. Forrester feared that Buchwald would become impoverished by the resulting lunch bill.

16 Dec, 1975: The final report, "Urinary Calculus – Buchwaldian,” was released to Buchwald and revealed that the stone was weddellite, a calcium oxalate and a rather common kidney stone composition. Rubin noted that the small sample size made carbon dating difficult, but estimated the age of the stone as less than 50 ± 10 years. Dwornik suggested that Buchwald should put the stone in a box with magnifier on his mantle and call it the "Hope Stone" -- "And hope to hell you never pass another one. As a museum exhibition, another Hope Diamond it's not!"

6 Jan, 1976: On behalf of the President and himself, Buchwald thanked the entire team for their efforts, which he called the greatest step forward since man landed on the moon. The Pentagon had informed him that the Russians have nothing to compare with it and that the mineral weddellite was vital to our missile program. Buchwald concluded, "I may be talking out of turn, but I have recommended that every one of you be given an immediate raise. In case it does not come through, let this letter suffice as appreciation from all the American people."

The final report was delivered to Buchwald in the locker room of his tennis club by my boss, Frank Forrester, and nervous me. My greatest fear was that on our first meeting I would see the great Buchwald naked. I didn’t. He wore a towel.

Forrester was eager to turn the report into a light-hearted news story. Buchwald said, “You have my blessings, but won’t you get everybody into trouble?” Forrester reluctantly agreed that he was probably right.

And so the buchwaldstone story was classified and buried until now. Buchwald never did buy anybody lunch, which is one of the many reasons geologists miss him.